Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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