Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
