i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize