Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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