I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize