Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
