I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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