An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
