you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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