Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
