I am puke
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
