You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize