We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
