i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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