I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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