thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
