In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
