He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
