And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just pee around me
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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