my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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