I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
