don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
