I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
