Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
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