Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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