On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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