I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
