pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
