I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
