note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
