Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
