She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize