i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
