For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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