he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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