I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
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