In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
