I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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