I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
