First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
