I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
