apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
and you fell through a lawn chair
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize