My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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