Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
