He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
