You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
