I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
