If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
