I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
