I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
