textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
