i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
