I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize