just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize