I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
