Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
