Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Mom said you looked used
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Drake has all the answers
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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