Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize