i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I need moral support for this bender
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
