His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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