There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
