I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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