So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm going to jail i love you
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Drunk walkin through police station. America
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
