My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
