Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize